Red Hot Mutha'

Can't tell the difference sometimes. I was just exhausted today for some reason...I went to the mall to walk (that would depress anyone) but when I got there I was so damn tired that I could barely make it two laps. How am I supposed to rid myself of all this baby fat if I can't even get motivated to walk? I'd rather take Vincent outside to walk, but it's so humid and I don't want him to overheat. Then every single driver annoyed me in some way on the way home: cutting me off, not letting me over even though I have my signal on and I'm running out of road. Listen, it's not a personal attack if someone wants to get over, especially if their damned signal's on! For fuck's sakes, just let 'em over! Don't even get me started about driving and cell phones. I saw an episode of Mythbusters recently that demonstrated how driving while talking on the phone is worse than driving (slightly) intoxicated. So anyway, I get home, and I put Vin in his cool little saucer chair thingie that Nat and Thomas lent me (he loves it!!) and I try to alter this dress that I'm supposed to wear to my brother's wedding rehersal in god-forsaken Pittsburgh. (You read it here first: I hate Pittsburgh! Get over it!) I took about an hour last night to "dial up" my dressmaker dummy to my "new size" (don't get me started again!) and I made sure I pinned the dress, and I even tryed it on afterward to see how it fit. Perfect. Okay, so I sew it up today and I try to put it on. You'd have to see this. I'm in my living room, trying to squeeze my ass fat into a dress that somehow is now about three sizes too small! I look in the mirror and I see one of those mothers I don't like- I look dumpy...what the fuck happened to my waist?! I know I had/have an eating disorder, but for crissakes this is disgusting! And while I'm at it, my tits look like pancakes with a single blueberry on top. WHAT THE FUCK?! Look seriously, I love my Vincent more than anything in the entire world. You cannot possibly know this unless you have a child. Yep, I had a miscarriage before him and I was elated to be pregnant again. But the physical part of being pregnant I HATED IT! I STILL hate the way my body looks now, only I realize that some of it is in my head and some is truth, but this is bullshit! My entire bone structure changed! So- back to the dress- I sit down and try to rip out all the stitches, only it's real difficult with this type of fabric because it's one of those cheap chinese brocade dresses. I put the dress away for a little while so I don't have to look at it, and I take Vin out of his saucer chair and play "I'm gonna get you" which is his favorite game of the moment. I love hearing him laugh outloud; there's nothing better that that, let me tell you. Anyway, I'm just real tired. He gets into one of those crying jags there's nothing I can do about it and I feel like a failure. Here I am, at home all day and I can't even get a baby to stop crying. Geez. (Anyway, just as an aside, if one more person asks me if I'm goning to have another kid, I'm going to go crazy! Let me enjoy this one for chrissakes!!)
So, is this depression or PMS? who knows! Every single time I feel down, everyone tells me, "it must be the medication's not working". Could it be that I'm just in a bad mood? Am I allowed to get in a bad mood without having to go see a shrink every time? I haven't had PMS in so long, I forgot what it's like.