Tuesday, September 20, 2005
grrrrr!
Goddamn it! It's fucking back. My eating disorder, I mean. I cna't stop thinking about how fat I look...If I could just cut my stomach off I'd look allright. Every window or mirror I passed today, I had to look at the goddamned thing. I look pregnant again. (I'm NOT, okay?!) I've been taking this xenadrine stuff fo about a week, but all it's doing is making me jittery, and frankly, i could get the same benefits with a pot of coffee. I want to fucking exercise so badly, but when I come home from work, all I want to do is see Vinnie, and then after he goes to sleep I'm so tired and disillusioned with the fact that I'm so flabby that I just want to go to bed. I'm not able to see myself clearly. I can't ever see what I really look like. It would be good to talk to Dr. Krieger again, but I can't see her because she's under a different insurance plan. AND I'm not about to go sit down with someone else after two or so years of work and "start all over again". Not going to do it. All I do is notice how disgusting my arm looks when I wave, all that flab shaking back and forth. And the way my thighs vibrate is disgusting. (Part of the reason is because I have to get a tire alignment and my car shakes around a bit much.)
Other than that, there's really nothing wrong here at all.
Other than that, there's really nothing wrong here at all.
# posted by Christa @ 5:02 PM 
